Today I want to tell you about my grandma Ivy. Yesterday she passed away at 98 years old.

I liked to call her English Ivy, just to myself as an endearment. Yes, because she was English but also because she was the kind of woman who quite invasively won you over.

She was the epitome of femininity in my eyes, for so many reasons; her home was always spotless, she always had a beautiful potted herb garden and roses growing in the back, even with limited yard space. Inside her home, the first thing you would see after opening the door was the royal arms delicately painted on a small porcelain plate and lined in gold leaf. She kept African Violets in dainty bone China dishes along her window sill. She always had a clean, pressed, white, lace table cloth on her dining table and her bedroom was a reflection of the same. White eyelet cotton, lace edged sheets and pillow cases - always pressed. A floor length white table cloth on her bed stand made the room feel ever so romantic. She kept a mirrored tray of perfumes in crystal bottles on her dresser and she always wore pearls or better. Her closet was full of kitten heels and jewel toned dresses. Her hair was always perfect, she kept a weekly appointment for a blow out and was the only woman I knew growing up who would shower with a shower cap on to keep her hair just so. She had a shoe box full of makeup and another full solely of lipsticks, which was a wonderment to me as a child and she took great pride and care in “putting on her face” daily. She lived alone for an impressively long time.

In her kitchen she had an entire cupboard shelf full of neatly stacked Tupper ware and every single one of them had the correct lid. (As an adult I find this endlessly impressive). She drank Gin and tonic and that’s where I got my taste for it. Beefeater, of course.

She was friendly with most of her neighbors and loved being social. She was always in the know and cared about inclusivity. My mom told me once about a time when she was a teenager and a young man came to visit. He was white and came up to the house while his black comrade stayed in the car. Grandma Ivy marched straight out and mandated that he come in for tea as well. She wouldn’t have it any other way. She had a dry sense of humor and she was always poised. Late in her life I witnessed her experience an incredibly embarrassing moment, still she never lost composure. Not once.

She talked about the war days. She read books about the war days. She watched shows about the war days. I didn’t listen well enough.

The last time I saw her, I broke her out of her nursing home for a lunch adventure. She refused to eat anything except French macarons and English Breakfast tea. It was a grand afternoon.

She was very polite and not very affectionate. She became quite awkward every time I told her that I loved her but eventually I said it enough that she came around…”I love you too Elizabeth” in her perfect English accent. Uncomfortably in the beginning, warmer towards the end. She did make all of us grandchildren feel loved in other ways though. She never forgot a birthday and I would look forward to her card with delight as it was the sole piece of mail I received yearly growing up. She had pictures of each one of her grandchildren framed and every time we came over, she would display them proudly. She would switch the photos out depending on which family was visiting. I figured that out once when we came up and my cousins’ photos were out when we arrived in the evening but ours were out in the morning. If multiple branches of family came to visit at the same time, she would squeeze every single one of our smiling, framed faces onto that tiny table beside the sofa. She wanted us to know that she cared.
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Grandmas are really special, its much easier for them to love you because you are always on your best behavior when you visit. They have more time and patience for you because they know that you will eventually be going home to your parents, at which point they will return to their life of leisure. They are also the wisest of the wise. Typically, they have lived through more than you can even imagine and have a lot to share about it. You probably won’t appreciate that until long after they are gone. Their time is the greatest gift that they can give you and I am so fortunate for all of the time I got to spend with grandma Ivy, listening to her war stories and learning the art of feminine mastery.

It has been about eight months since my last post and I realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself once I started telling that story, about the fire. I have had time to do some healing, but that was a very scary and traumatic event and it took a lot longer to digest it than I originally imagined it would.
The devastation it left behind is still a part of our daily lives, many of our friends and neighbors are still suffering through homelessness or the stress of trying to rebuild their lives after losing everything, on top of everything that has been going on with covid-19. It has been an incredibly challenging year.
We are so fortunate to have been able to return home, but the damage is still very present.

Today I felt the need to write for writing's sake. I've been stuck, unable to tell my story because I cant find the right words. I'm hoping that by simply starting to write again it will bring some creative flow back into my world, so while this is in no way a shining example of my best work - or even good work if we are being honest - I appreciate the space to experiment and be vulnerable and to show up because that's half the battle some days.

Today I am allowing lust for experience to take hold of me.

I am still figuring out this whole “blogging” thing.

I am a recovering perfectionist.

Often, I will start to write, then put my writing away to come back to later. Then I edit and tweak it and its never really as polished as I would like it to be so I put it away again and before I know it months have gone by and I have produced absolutely nothing.

Today, even though this piece of writing feels like pure garbage to me. I am writing for the sake of the experience. Here you go world, pure brain vomit. You’re welcome, its free. I am moving to unstick stagnant energy within me. Movement creates flow. Ok let’s go with that.

Movement creates flow.

Where do you feel stuck? What truth of yours needs voice? Where could a little flow create less resistance?

For starters, I have been invited to write an article for a health and wellness platform and I have so much to say but can’t seem to find my voice this morning. Where do I even begin? My brain is like a vast void of alternative and holistic health information. If someone asks me a specific question, I will have an answer reasonably quickly. If I can’t answer the question 9 out of 10 times, I know someone who can. For that 1% at large, a little research (which I totally geek out on) will generally yield the desired results. That’s how my crazy, health-nerdy brain functions best.

When I am asked to write about a specific topic, I can give you pure gold. When someone says “write about what’s interesting to you” or “write the article you would want to read”………..crickets……….my brain goes silent. I like food, I like horses, I mean I even like racy novels……I’m pretty sure they are not looking for a piece of fiction about some gorgeous foodie who somehow ends up on a ranch turning every cowgirl’s head though. Just a gut feeling. So….what to write…?

Facebook or Google…who’s it going to be? Oh, here we go. Google has provided me with a list of ‘Questions to ask your best friends’. Since I haven’t posted forever and you don’t really know me all that well yet (I mean if you are even still reading this, good on you!) here is a little treasure for you:

What embarrasses you the most or what has been your most embarrassing moment?

The most embarrassing moment of my entire life, was easily the time in first grade that I was sitting on the top steps at a school assembly and my teacher undoubtedly refused to allow me to leave to use the bathroom until after the assembly was over. Not only did I pee my pants, but my pee ran down the steps and soaked the pants of several other students as well. Older students, the ones I wanted desperately to impress. That was the apex of embarrassment for me but I’m sure it made me very memorable to them. Its actually amazing that I have survived this long with that looming over me. Suffice to say, I no longer get embarrassed. That was the crowning moment of shame, nothing will ever touch it or even come close again. Moving on.

What would be your perfect day?

I am one of the rare fortunate few that live a life where most days feel near perfect. I worked my ass off to be here, but here I am.
The Perfect day to me looks like; me waking up gently closer to 7am, without my dog sitting on my face to smother me at 545am or licking the inside of my mouth, especially after she snuck into the cat box and ate poop. Next would be hot coffee, my husband always wakes up before me and leaves hot coffee…it makes me feel like a princess. I usually journal while I am drinking it, then I sneak in a quickie tarot reading to see if I can glean any wisdom or insight into what the day might hold for me – although most people probably think its silly, the cards have never lied to me. After that, I water the vegetable garden and do any work that needs to be done, I cook breakfast for the fam. and if I am lucky, I sneak out to the barn and get an early morning ride in. After that I spend time with the kids, usually forcing them to do school work but occasionally that goes smoothly and we actually have fun together. I cook lunch and the kids go off to do their own thing, that’s my focused work time. Around 4 we reconvene and do something fun like a walk in the park with friends, more horseback riding, badminton or a board game, then I cook dinner and we sit down to a family meal. After that we usually watch a movie and go to bed early. If the dogs get a walk its ideal because then I get to sleep through the night instead of being woken up at 3am to roll a tennis ball down the hall or sit on the sofa so that my co-dependent dog can chew her bone while I am visible to her. The only thing that makes that scenario even better is take out and chamoyadas, but honest to God, I am living the life of my dreams and I feel deeply fortunate for that every single day.

How do you like to be comforted when you are sad or upset?

This is easy….buy me a horse! Obviously. If that is off the table then champagne and sushi will usually do the trick. Flowers too but only as an add on to the sushi.

If you won $5,000.00 what would you do with it?

Hahahahaa….Do you know what the cost of living is for a family of four in suburban America? Well young one, I would pay my bills and fill my gas tank. If there was money left over, I would put it into my savings account so I could pay the bills next month too or pay it forward to someone who needed it more than me. There you go. Not so glamourous, is it? Enjoy your 20s and don’t forget to double bag it.

What was your earliest childhood memory?

This is actually glorious and I am pretty sure that it has shaped my life. My earliest childhood memory is of standing in a garden full of flowers while monarch butterflies swarmed around me. I remember how their wings felt as they flew past and landed on me and on the nearby flowers. They used to come every year. Magical right?

Who was the last person to make you cry and why?

It was my kids………We were doing math.

Which celebrity would you want as your BFF? Why?

That’s a hard question. On the one hand Kristen Bell is so funny and seems like a really kind and responsible human being and parent, I love that about her. I could imagine us laughing about so many things together.
Reese Witherspoon would be a killer BFF and entrepreneur role model, plus have you read her cook book? We would definitely have loads of fun together!
Then there is Selma Hayek, she is a strong, beautiful Latina woman with feminist values, a powerful activist voice and a fierce drive to succeed, plus imagine the dance parties! So, it’s a toss-up.

Do you have any regrets? What are they?

None. Absolutely not a single one. Every moment of my life has shaped me into the human I am today and I wouldn’t change a single thing.

What do you do when no one else is around?

I write, I do research, I create work-outs for clients, I test recipes, I pay bills. If I am lucky, I take a moment to lounge in the sunshine or ride my horse. If I am feeling exceptionally indulgent, I take a long shower then smother myself with Brazilian Bum Bum Cream…OMG have you smelled it?

Do you believe in soulmates?
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Yes, I really do. My husband is my soulmate through and through. We were made for each other and love each other in a way that people make movies about. I had to work for that, he is my second husband but I’m a fast learner. I like to think of my dog and my horse as my soulmates as well. I am never without one of my soul mates. When my husband goes to work, I don’t wilt out of devastation because my horse and my dog are still with me. Note: my theory does not apply to other humans. I definitely believe in fidelity.

What did you dream about last night?

Horses! I wondered when I woke up if they dream about me too.

When have you felt the most challenged?

Right here, right now. This is hard! Showing up, being vulnerable. Speaking up about things that hardly anyone has ever heard me say, publicly. 'The Artists’ Way' tells me that ‘I must write daily’ (even if it’s garbage) simply to be in the habit of writing so that when a gem of wisdom shows up, I am prepared to capture it. Well, here I am showing up and I’m feeling challenged. There you go.

If you are still with me, I applaud you and deeply apologize. Maybe consider coming back next week for something (hopefully) better? I am in no way closer to figuring out what health-related article to write next, but strangely I feel a weight has been lifted. The fact that I created something feels gratifying. Thanks for bearing with me. A good reminder for all of us is that the best way out is through, and movement - whatever that looks like - is the most effective way to regenerate and create flow when you are experiencing burn-out.

I hope you stay happy and healthy. Cheers!