Today I want to tell you about my grandma Ivy. Yesterday she passed away at 98 years old.

I liked to call her English Ivy, just to myself as an endearment. Yes, because she was English but also because she was the kind of woman who quite invasively won you over.

She was the epitome of femininity in my eyes, for so many reasons; her home was always spotless, she always had a beautiful potted herb garden and roses growing in the back, even with limited yard space. Inside her home, the first thing you would see after opening the door was the royal arms delicately painted on a small porcelain plate and lined in gold leaf. She kept African Violets in dainty bone China dishes along her window sill. She always had a clean, pressed, white, lace table cloth on her dining table and her bedroom was a reflection of the same. White eyelet cotton, lace edged sheets and pillow cases - always pressed. A floor length white table cloth on her bed stand made the room feel ever so romantic. She kept a mirrored tray of perfumes in crystal bottles on her dresser and she always wore pearls or better. Her closet was full of kitten heels and jewel toned dresses. Her hair was always perfect, she kept a weekly appointment for a blow out and was the only woman I knew growing up who would shower with a shower cap on to keep her hair just so. She had a shoe box full of makeup and another full solely of lipsticks, which was a wonderment to me as a child and she took great pride and care in “putting on her face” daily. She lived alone for an impressively long time.

In her kitchen she had an entire cupboard shelf full of neatly stacked Tupper ware and every single one of them had the correct lid. (As an adult I find this endlessly impressive). She drank Gin and tonic and that’s where I got my taste for it. Beefeater, of course.

She was friendly with most of her neighbors and loved being social. She was always in the know and cared about inclusivity. My mom told me once about a time when she was a teenager and a young man came to visit. He was white and came up to the house while his black comrade stayed in the car. Grandma Ivy marched straight out and mandated that he come in for tea as well. She wouldn’t have it any other way. She had a dry sense of humor and she was always poised. Late in her life I witnessed her experience an incredibly embarrassing moment, still she never lost composure. Not once.

She talked about the war days. She read books about the war days. She watched shows about the war days. I didn’t listen well enough.

The last time I saw her, I broke her out of her nursing home for a lunch adventure. She refused to eat anything except French macarons and English Breakfast tea. It was a grand afternoon.

She was very polite and not very affectionate. She became quite awkward every time I told her that I loved her but eventually I said it enough that she came around…”I love you too Elizabeth” in her perfect English accent. Uncomfortably in the beginning, warmer towards the end. She did make all of us grandchildren feel loved in other ways though. She never forgot a birthday and I would look forward to her card with delight as it was the sole piece of mail I received yearly growing up. She had pictures of each one of her grandchildren framed and every time we came over, she would display them proudly. She would switch the photos out depending on which family was visiting. I figured that out once when we came up and my cousins’ photos were out when we arrived in the evening but ours were out in the morning. If multiple branches of family came to visit at the same time, she would squeeze every single one of our smiling, framed faces onto that tiny table beside the sofa. She wanted us to know that she cared.
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Grandmas are really special, its much easier for them to love you because you are always on your best behavior when you visit. They have more time and patience for you because they know that you will eventually be going home to your parents, at which point they will return to their life of leisure. They are also the wisest of the wise. Typically, they have lived through more than you can even imagine and have a lot to share about it. You probably won’t appreciate that until long after they are gone. Their time is the greatest gift that they can give you and I am so fortunate for all of the time I got to spend with grandma Ivy, listening to her war stories and learning the art of feminine mastery.

It has been about eight months since my last post and I realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself once I started telling that story, about the fire. I have had time to do some healing, but that was a very scary and traumatic event and it took a lot longer to digest it than I originally imagined it would.
The devastation it left behind is still a part of our daily lives, many of our friends and neighbors are still suffering through homelessness or the stress of trying to rebuild their lives after losing everything, on top of everything that has been going on with covid-19. It has been an incredibly challenging year.
We are so fortunate to have been able to return home, but the damage is still very present.

Today I felt the need to write for writing's sake. I've been stuck, unable to tell my story because I cant find the right words. I'm hoping that by simply starting to write again it will bring some creative flow back into my world, so while this is in no way a shining example of my best work - or even good work if we are being honest - I appreciate the space to experiment and be vulnerable and to show up because that's half the battle some days.

Today I am allowing lust for experience to take hold of me.

I am still figuring out this whole “blogging” thing.

I am a recovering perfectionist.

Often, I will start to write, then put my writing away to come back to later. Then I edit and tweak it and its never really as polished as I would like it to be so I put it away again and before I know it months have gone by and I have produced absolutely nothing.

Today, even though this piece of writing feels like pure garbage to me. I am writing for the sake of the experience. Here you go world, pure brain vomit. You’re welcome, its free. I am moving to unstick stagnant energy within me. Movement creates flow. Ok let’s go with that.

Movement creates flow.

Where do you feel stuck? What truth of yours needs voice? Where could a little flow create less resistance?

For starters, I have been invited to write an article for a health and wellness platform and I have so much to say but can’t seem to find my voice this morning. Where do I even begin? My brain is like a vast void of alternative and holistic health information. If someone asks me a specific question, I will have an answer reasonably quickly. If I can’t answer the question 9 out of 10 times, I know someone who can. For that 1% at large, a little research (which I totally geek out on) will generally yield the desired results. That’s how my crazy, health-nerdy brain functions best.

When I am asked to write about a specific topic, I can give you pure gold. When someone says “write about what’s interesting to you” or “write the article you would want to read”………..crickets……….my brain goes silent. I like food, I like horses, I mean I even like racy novels……I’m pretty sure they are not looking for a piece of fiction about some gorgeous foodie who somehow ends up on a ranch turning every cowgirl’s head though. Just a gut feeling. So….what to write…?

Facebook or Google…who’s it going to be? Oh, here we go. Google has provided me with a list of ‘Questions to ask your best friends’. Since I haven’t posted forever and you don’t really know me all that well yet (I mean if you are even still reading this, good on you!) here is a little treasure for you:

What embarrasses you the most or what has been your most embarrassing moment?

The most embarrassing moment of my entire life, was easily the time in first grade that I was sitting on the top steps at a school assembly and my teacher undoubtedly refused to allow me to leave to use the bathroom until after the assembly was over. Not only did I pee my pants, but my pee ran down the steps and soaked the pants of several other students as well. Older students, the ones I wanted desperately to impress. That was the apex of embarrassment for me but I’m sure it made me very memorable to them. Its actually amazing that I have survived this long with that looming over me. Suffice to say, I no longer get embarrassed. That was the crowning moment of shame, nothing will ever touch it or even come close again. Moving on.

What would be your perfect day?

I am one of the rare fortunate few that live a life where most days feel near perfect. I worked my ass off to be here, but here I am.
The Perfect day to me looks like; me waking up gently closer to 7am, without my dog sitting on my face to smother me at 545am or licking the inside of my mouth, especially after she snuck into the cat box and ate poop. Next would be hot coffee, my husband always wakes up before me and leaves hot coffee…it makes me feel like a princess. I usually journal while I am drinking it, then I sneak in a quickie tarot reading to see if I can glean any wisdom or insight into what the day might hold for me – although most people probably think its silly, the cards have never lied to me. After that, I water the vegetable garden and do any work that needs to be done, I cook breakfast for the fam. and if I am lucky, I sneak out to the barn and get an early morning ride in. After that I spend time with the kids, usually forcing them to do school work but occasionally that goes smoothly and we actually have fun together. I cook lunch and the kids go off to do their own thing, that’s my focused work time. Around 4 we reconvene and do something fun like a walk in the park with friends, more horseback riding, badminton or a board game, then I cook dinner and we sit down to a family meal. After that we usually watch a movie and go to bed early. If the dogs get a walk its ideal because then I get to sleep through the night instead of being woken up at 3am to roll a tennis ball down the hall or sit on the sofa so that my co-dependent dog can chew her bone while I am visible to her. The only thing that makes that scenario even better is take out and chamoyadas, but honest to God, I am living the life of my dreams and I feel deeply fortunate for that every single day.

How do you like to be comforted when you are sad or upset?

This is easy….buy me a horse! Obviously. If that is off the table then champagne and sushi will usually do the trick. Flowers too but only as an add on to the sushi.

If you won $5,000.00 what would you do with it?

Hahahahaa….Do you know what the cost of living is for a family of four in suburban America? Well young one, I would pay my bills and fill my gas tank. If there was money left over, I would put it into my savings account so I could pay the bills next month too or pay it forward to someone who needed it more than me. There you go. Not so glamourous, is it? Enjoy your 20s and don’t forget to double bag it.

What was your earliest childhood memory?

This is actually glorious and I am pretty sure that it has shaped my life. My earliest childhood memory is of standing in a garden full of flowers while monarch butterflies swarmed around me. I remember how their wings felt as they flew past and landed on me and on the nearby flowers. They used to come every year. Magical right?

Who was the last person to make you cry and why?

It was my kids………We were doing math.

Which celebrity would you want as your BFF? Why?

That’s a hard question. On the one hand Kristen Bell is so funny and seems like a really kind and responsible human being and parent, I love that about her. I could imagine us laughing about so many things together.
Reese Witherspoon would be a killer BFF and entrepreneur role model, plus have you read her cook book? We would definitely have loads of fun together!
Then there is Selma Hayek, she is a strong, beautiful Latina woman with feminist values, a powerful activist voice and a fierce drive to succeed, plus imagine the dance parties! So, it’s a toss-up.

Do you have any regrets? What are they?

None. Absolutely not a single one. Every moment of my life has shaped me into the human I am today and I wouldn’t change a single thing.

What do you do when no one else is around?

I write, I do research, I create work-outs for clients, I test recipes, I pay bills. If I am lucky, I take a moment to lounge in the sunshine or ride my horse. If I am feeling exceptionally indulgent, I take a long shower then smother myself with Brazilian Bum Bum Cream…OMG have you smelled it?

Do you believe in soulmates?
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Yes, I really do. My husband is my soulmate through and through. We were made for each other and love each other in a way that people make movies about. I had to work for that, he is my second husband but I’m a fast learner. I like to think of my dog and my horse as my soulmates as well. I am never without one of my soul mates. When my husband goes to work, I don’t wilt out of devastation because my horse and my dog are still with me. Note: my theory does not apply to other humans. I definitely believe in fidelity.

What did you dream about last night?

Horses! I wondered when I woke up if they dream about me too.

When have you felt the most challenged?

Right here, right now. This is hard! Showing up, being vulnerable. Speaking up about things that hardly anyone has ever heard me say, publicly. 'The Artists’ Way' tells me that ‘I must write daily’ (even if it’s garbage) simply to be in the habit of writing so that when a gem of wisdom shows up, I am prepared to capture it. Well, here I am showing up and I’m feeling challenged. There you go.

If you are still with me, I applaud you and deeply apologize. Maybe consider coming back next week for something (hopefully) better? I am in no way closer to figuring out what health-related article to write next, but strangely I feel a weight has been lifted. The fact that I created something feels gratifying. Thanks for bearing with me. A good reminder for all of us is that the best way out is through, and movement - whatever that looks like - is the most effective way to regenerate and create flow when you are experiencing burn-out.

I hope you stay happy and healthy. Cheers!

Hey all, welcome back! Where did I leave off last time? Oh yes, the fire!

Exactly one month has passed since that horrible day. The day the wild fire consumed our beloved town. Typically, when I think of “wild fire” I think of the forest. Every year wildfires rage through the Northern California and Oregon state parks and BLM lands, it is not at all unusual for this time of year. Never did I ever imagine that I would be running from one as it leveled our neighborhood.

As I was saying before, the smoke was thick and black and travelling quickly, we could see it billowing up two towns away and our first thought was – the horses! See we live in our sweet country cottage in the suburbs on a half-acre homestead in the quaint little town of Phoenix, OR. Our horses live on fifteen pristine, grassy acres that we lease in the city of Ashland which is about a 20-minute drive south of our home. Now that day was particularly unusual in the way that things worked out for us and I am still puzzling over the blind perfection of how it all unfolded. My husband would normally have been at work but by some divine stroke of luck, he didn’t have any appointments until later that day so we were both home together when the fire started.
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When we saw the smoke rise our first thought was, get to the horses! He jumped in the truck and tried to race through town but all the roads south were already closed. There was nothing we could do. He returned home and we prayed that the fire would not reach them and that if it did, they would be able to outrun it. Then we noticed the wind. Like I said before, it had been extreme that day and now that there was smoke filling the skies, we could see clearly that the wind was blowing straight towards us. We knew instantly where the fire would travel next.

The horses would be safe, what a relief! My next thought? Call the children, make a plan! When I got on the phone with my daughter she answered already in tears. I had to work to stay calm because it is one of the worst feelings in the world when your young children need you and you are not physically there for them, to comfort them and hold them. I did my best. I told her that they would need to get bags ready to go just in case the fire got close to them. Between sobs she told me she had no idea what to pack, she was already panicking. I said, “first take a deep breath, then grab a backpack. Pack your favorite things but only what will fit inside it, bring a couple of pairs of clothes and pajamas, clean underwear, socks and wear sneakers just in case you have to walk anywhere. Get your toothbrush and hairbrush. Bring your special blanket, a book and your favorite stuffed animal just like you would if you were going on a weekend long overnight trip. Don’t forget a full water bottle, and help your brother do the same. Tell your dad to bring as many bottles full of water as he can and lots of snacks for you.” Then we said ‘I love you’ to each other and just as I was about to hang up the phone she said “What if we can’t find each other and I never see you again?” And my heart broke right open. I told her there was no way that would ever happen. That I loved her and her brother more than anything in the entire world and that I would always find my way back to them and always be with them one way or another, no matter what. That is a promise I will never break, but it sure was hard to keep my voice steady in that moment.

At that point we had stopped receiving any kind of warning or communication from the city. There was supposed to be an emergency information system in place but in those hours, we were at a complete loss. We watched the smoke travel towards us until we could see the fire. Every neighbor on our street was outside watching and waiting, trying to guess what was burning. People were on rooftops trying to get a better view. Planes full of retardant were flying too close for comfort.

At about 3pm I got a call from the children, they said that the fire had reached the main street in their city and it was time for them to go. They were going to head north and call me when they landed in a safe place. I was grateful that they were getting out early, now I could focus here.

I grabbed the hose to water the mulched garden beds as well as the huge pile of cardboard which had accumulated on the side of our house as we had been cleaning out the garage and had yet to take it to the dump. I got about halfway through before we lost power and lost pressure. Luckily my husband had already done it once earlier, the deck and roof too, but it was so hot that day, there wasn’t a chance they were still wet. That’s it, there was no more water. It couldn’t be long now.

Our only reliable source of information were friends who were evacuating, going down the line from city to city checking in with each other, posting real time updates. “Talent Avenue is on fire”, “The flames are travelling along Bear Creek and have now reached Phoenix”, “The freeway south is completely shut down”, “The freeway north is too backed up to travel, traffic is not moving”. One heroic neighbor from just five doors down took it upon himself to go from door to door telling people, “its time now, get out!” He raced from house to house on our street informing people about the safest route out, then packed up his family and left. Sadly, his home was lost that night.

My husband and I waited until the last possible minute to leave. We couldn’t bear the thought of losing our home, everything we had worked so hard and carefully to create. We love our country cottage almost as much as we love our family. It is our sanctuary, a carefully curated collage of our family’s interests and accomplishments, our safe haven. Our workspace and play space. It took us a long time to settle here. We prayed hard, then we packed. Luckily, I had already filled just about every water bottle in the house, they went into the car first. Then our bags, the pets and all of their belongings, a brand-new bottle of Basil Hayden Dark Rye. The kids favorite stuffed animals and baby boxes full of pictures, the tablets and laptop, extra toilet paper, a couple of blankets and pillows. It is truly a wonder what you decide to take when you are in denial that you are about to lose your house and everything in it. You grab the things you know you will need on a day to day basis, you try to grab the things “they” tell you will be important like cash and hard to replace documents, you try to grab a few irreplaceable sentimental things, but how can you possibly know what will be the most important? What you will miss the most? And we were lucky we had so much time. So many people had just minutes to get out. We packed bags, but we also packed backpacks. We had no idea if we were going to be able to drive to safety or if we would end up running. We did our best.

We are fortunate enough to own three vehicles and we had to decide at a moment’s notice which two were the most valuable to us and which one would be left behind. We packed them up, got all the animals secured. Took one last look around our beloved home. One last touch to the lucky horseshoe that hangs above our door. One last prayer that our house would (by some miracle) be protected. Then down the street and out into back to back traffic, cats wailing in their cage, tears streaming down my cheeks, separated from my children by what felt like a million miles and praying for their safety, separated from my husband by one truck which had snuck in between us as we pulled out onto the back roads, inching along towards what we hoped would be safety and peace at least for the night. Black smoke billowing, out of control. My gas tank less than one quarter full, praying that I would be able to make it to the next gas station and that they would have gas left as we inched along.

A wall of flames behind us blazing ever closer.
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To be continued….

Welcome to our sweet little country cottage in the suburbs. Girl, do I have a story for you today!

 I had meant to start writing on September 9th but was rudely interrupted the evening before when a fire razed our town. Before I get into that story, let me tell you about our family; Have you ever been walking in the woods and seen two trees that have grown side by side and slightly into each other by chance? Two trees that could grow in the same forest but don’t necessarily belong together. Like maybe someone planted an acorn and a manzanita berry a little too close together and they grew up tall, strong, independent and tangled at the roots with little saplings popping up here and there. That is what our family looks like. If you are from our home town and have walked through Lithia Park and stopped by the climbing rock at the playground, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. We are a family of 15, now keep in mind I am counting our fur babies. My husband and I, his daughter from a previous marriage who is now an adult, her wife (who we consider a daughter as well), our 10 year old daughter together and my 8 year old son from another marriage, four horses, three dogs and two cats, is precisely what our family tree looks like, and yes we consider our fur babies family members because they make our lives feel all warm and fuzzy (literally!). – If you are confused about the order of the youngest children, hang in there. That is a story for another day.

Where was I? Oh yes, our family, just like so many others, has been impacted by the implications of COVID-19. In the beginning of March 2020 our young children were happily attending one of the sweetest little community schools out there called the Outdoor Discovery Program, we loved it endlessly for a lot of reasons. However, in Mid-March, in Oregon we were issued a state wide shut down and we got the opportunity to try something different. We enjoyed our spring break begrudgingly – because we had finally planned and booked that Hawaiian vacation that we had been dreaming of going on for years and the day we would have landed in Hawaii was the day that their mandatory quarantine was issued and it would have been the worst vacation ever holed up in a hotel room for 14 days looking down at the pristine beach and gorgeous, sparkling blue ocean just out of reach, so we stayed home. And when that disappointing spring break had come to an end, we began to homeschool our children. That was an adventure in and of itself.

Now originally, we believed we would just have to get by until September when school would resume and everything would return to normal, how wrong we were. While it wasn’t part of our original plan, we learned a lot about our children’s education over the spring and summer months. We got to know their strengths and see where there were some gaps that needed to be filled and we took the opportunity to support them very seriously. We fell into a lovely rhythm together.

Over the summer it became clear that school as we had known it would no longer exist, at least for the time being, at least in Oregon, so we were faced with a tough decision. We could keep our children enrolled in the Outdoor Discovery Program where they would wake up early and sit in front of the computer for hours trying to focus on their lovely teacher while being distracted by all of their friends in “google-classroom” every single day, or we could continue to homeschool them and have a little bit more freedom with their education.

Now I imagine that you can imagine, when we chose the Outdoor Discovery Program for our children it was based on a number of factors, but we especially loved that it was different than other schools because a large part of the curriculum focused on being connected to nature and the community in unique hands on ways. The children participated in a multi-age classroom where they had the same teacher and they went on field trips almost every week to learn about how the world around them functions. There was a very limited amount of technology-based education thrown into the curriculum, it was certainly not central to their education, they learned art and music and spent lots of time doing things “differently” so the fact that this was how they were going to approach the year was a big factor in our decision to do things, well, differently. That and the fact that in the spring, when our 8 year old son had tried joining in one of the google classroom sessions that his teacher had set up for the students it lasted all of about 5 minutes before he decided he had enough, and that was “show and tell” day. The idea of him participating in hours of online learning every single day didn’t have a good outlook.

There is a part of me that had always wanted to homeschool the children but was always way too terrified to actually attempt it. It is the part of me that is acutely aware of how little time we get to spend with them when they are little. They grow up so fast, and I want to cherish every moment with them. I want to play a part in shaping their world views and the world has given me the perfect opportunity to fulfill this desire. It was scary at first but we are all getting the hang of it. As a matter of fact, the kids told me just the other day that they love homeschool and that it is way more fun than “actual school”. They have even named it “The School of Life” which I find endlessly hilarious. I think I may have flippantly told them one day early on when they were complaining about missing traditional school “you’re in the school of life now kids” and they have lovingly adopted the philosophy and even made it endearing. I think that an old hippie would laugh if they heard the kids say that but some of my mom friends will probably try not to openly cringe in front of me the first time they hear those words come out of my children’s mouths.

So, there we were on September 8th 2020 getting ready for the “official” first day of The School of Life at our sweet little country cottage in the suburbs, which was scheduled for September 9th. The children were at my son’s Dad’s house soaking up the last days of summer vacation and I was tidying up our space here, organizing books, creating a daily rhythm and schedule for us to follow. There were strong winds that day and something in the air didn’t feel quite right. You can ask any mama in the valley, we could all feel it. It was too hot, the wind was too strong, something unsettling was about to happen.

There was no way that any of us could have been prepared for what came next.

We could see it when it started in the south valley, the smoke thick and black and travelling quickly. We could tell it wasn’t just grass burning, those were homes and cars, we could hear them exploding as the flames engulfed each one and the fire grew.
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We watched and waited and it didn’t stop there but it looks like my time for storytelling is up for today. Check in next week to hear more about the fire.
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